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Tales from Guacamole Prison

by Avi Man and A-Jazz

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1.
The Line to Get In 04:20
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There's a place where the human race gets put when they go bad Full of crims, and creeps, and crabs, and folx like Avi's dad Get a clue and get in queue, we're going on a tour To see the slime and kings of crime trapped in the planet's core To get inside, you have to ride the only elevator Time is ticking as the sun gets low, the hour’s getting later I know you’re psyched to take a hike and see the secrets of our time And so it’s true we’ve saved a place for you in the back of the line That’s the line to Guacamole That’s the line to Guacamole That’s the line to Guacamole Welcome all to Guacamole Guacamole Prison for life or longer It's the only prison alive that's stronger Than the collective malice of collected masses They take bad guys, put 'em on their asses Deep in the planet’s core is a colossal power To get inside you’ll have to wait a bunch of hours And the only way to get in is the line The only way to get in is the line Just step right here, you’ve nearly cleared, the last security The only thing that keeps the crims from folx like you and me Through this gate, the horrors wait, you’ll make your own decision Do you return for your own concern or enter Guacamole Prison? Do you enter Guacamole Do you enter Guacamole Do you enter Guacamole You should enter Guacamole Guacamole Prison for life or longer It's the only prison alive that's stronger Than the collective malice of collected masses They take bad guys, put 'em on their asses Deep in the planet’s core is a colossal power To get inside you’ll have to wait a bunch of hours And the only way to get in is the line The only way to get in is the line The line to Guacamole The line to Guacamole is a very long line The line to Guacamole The line to Guacamole Once you get in Guacamole you’ll have a great time You’ll find you’ll be waiting in line for what feels like the longest time But you’ll find when you’re finally inside you finally feel just fine You’ll find you’ll be waiting in line for what feels like the longest time But you’ll find when you’re finally inside you finally feel just fine Inside Guacamole you’ll feel just fine Inside Guacamole you’ll have a great time Inside Guacamole you’ll feel just fine Inside Guacamole you’ll have a great time You’ll find you’ll be waiting in line for what feels like the longest time But you’ll find when you’re finally inside you finally feel just fine But you’ll find when you’re finally inside you finally feel just fine And you won’t have an inch of regret just respect for the time For the time you’ve been waiting in line
2.
The Warden (Prison in the Center of the Earth) 02:32
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The prison in the center of the earth is a place I know The prison in the center of the earth is a place I go On my way to work, I’m the warden They keep coming, got to pack some more in Get in the elevator going down Prisoners sing their songs, the same old sounds The prison in the center of the earth is a place I know The prison in the center of the earth is a place I go Got a stack of papers on my desk No time to slow down, there’s no rest Sometimes the pressure makes me want to shout Millions of criminals coming in and breaking out The prison in the center of the earth is a place I know The prison in the center of the earth is a place I go My daughter tries to bring me something to eat But I’m already moving, up on my feet Guacamole Prison is my ship The captain keeps the plans close to the hip The prison in the center of the earth is a place I know The prison in the center of the earth is a place I go In the evening I head back home Lying there in bed all alone I am no one, the warden is my name Every single morning though it changes without warning it’s the same
3.
Ratfinky 03:51
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He doesn't offend me If I was in a jam he'd be the first to defend me If I needed something, he'd lend me But he better not try to befriend me He's a totally innocent guy A totally nice and respectable guy I just don't like him Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky He hasn't hurt me Nothing he's done has really disturbed me But nobody try to curb me I'm throwing this buddy in jail, yeah you heard me He's honestly a decent person And doesn't deserve such a thorough cursing I just don't like him Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky He's a totally alright dude He's never spiteful and he's never rude All things told, he's a stand-up fellow Always relaxed, never harshes the mellow I just don’t like to see his face Every time he comes around Every time I see his face I want to smash it into the ground I just don't like him He’s not really a bad guy Truth be told, he’s kind of a rad guy I don’t really wanna make him sad, guy But the sight of him makes me mad, guy He’s probably the best guy in here And all his goodness is true and sincere I just don’t like him Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky He likes everything I like And in a different situation I’d totally be psyched But if I really have to see him each night I’m gonna try and hit him with an airstrike I understand that he just means the best And truth be told I’m sort of impressed I just don’t like him Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky Talking bout Ratfinky Talking bout Ratfinky finky He's a totally alright dude He's never spiteful and he's never rude All things told, he's a stand-up fellow Always relaxed, never harshes the mellow I just don’t like to see his face Every time he comes around Every time I see his face I want to smash it into the ground I just don't like him I just don't like him I just don't like him I just don't like him I just don't like him I don't like him so much that I got him arrested Maybe if he were a touch less like himself I don’t like him so much that he had to bested The sight of him is just too much like hell I don't like him so much that I got him arrested Maybe if he were a touch less like himself I don’t like him so much that he had to bested The sight of him is just too much like hell
4.
The Glutton Tries to Eat It All (Terrible Version) 02:59
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A-Jazz: When I was a little lad I wanted to be someone They would point and laugh at me and say I was the dumb one Well if you think I am a crim then maybe I’ll become one So I decided to eat it all So I decided I would go and get a little reckless I would go and leave the people feeling kinda breathless I decided I would go and eat the world for breakfast I decided to eat it all I decided the Empire State would look pretty good with a cherry on top I shoveled that sidewalk into my face and no kidding I stood with a very big gut And a very big butt and a very big grudge and a vat full of fudge, not a thing to discuss Just a bunch of disgust for the people I cuss, the people who threw me up under the bus So I brew me a stew with that bus and the people inside, the people inside is the crust Of the bread that I spread with the butter I made from the cars and the bikes and trucks I’ve got a plan for the planet in my pan and in my pot I’ll eat it the world until I’m full, no never, I’ll never be caught Avi Man: My alarm goes off at the crack of dawn I get out of bed, put some boxers on Then I tiptoe past the door beat on the floor from the night before But then I get a good glimpse at the glitter on my lips In the mirror there’s a winner standing five foot six Plus six inches it’s basic addition not quite efficient but Let us make our transition I’m a man on a mission Yes I’m a cop on the beat and I’m assaulting the street Like I’m a-salting a slug, like I’m a-squishin a bug A criminal’s an insect, i got a vision for thugs I got no patience for drugs, I got just hatred for thieves I got no tolerance for shooters who just shoot in the breeze I ain’t dancing with no stupids who’re too stupid to peace And so I point my shooter at ‘em grab the trigger and squeeze And so I’m called in this morning ‘cuz there’s a man on the loose They say he’s munching on the men and drinking women like juice They say he’s eating up the city I’m the cop who can stop him So I pull my pistol out and pull the plunger and pop him A-Jazz: I can take a gunshot I got body to spare That plus I ate some rocks so I got them up in there But buddy if you’re hungry I’d be willing to share You and me could eat it all Avi Man: Just stop, I’m a good cop, you can bet that I don’t mess around with crims I’m hot when the beat drops, got my squad car swerving with the six inch rims Press down on the pedal, slam the whole shebang straight into the Glutton Pop out shouting “let’s go,” got his hands behind his back and I twist em and cuff him A-Jazz: Office please listen it’s such a shameful mistake I’m just a fat old friendo who’s just sharing his cake Avi Man: I ain’t ashamed that I had to knock your block off, homey So I’m packing up your ass to get you locked in guacamole
5.
Draculos Rasputinov 02:09
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6.
Release Avi's Dad 02:56
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Avi Man: I was looking for my pops Walking down a Brooklyn lot When a deputy approached me and he Asked if he could jot down What I had to say I said “No, I’m running late” My daddy, he wasn’t safe Not to mention my eighth Don’t lose faith Papa znayet Mama znayet Avi nichivo ne panimayet OOOEEEHALLELUJA I sparked that spliff real grungy Then found myself at Dani’s for the after-blunt munchies My boys walked in David and friend Uhhh I could never remember the names of both of them I passed out shortly after that Just hit the sack Or wait, did I end up coming back with someone? I remember Drinking A Rufilin somethin’ With a shrouded figure Go figure I woke up Finding my-self in the re-cesses Of a prison that was the mission Of many a man Now listen My dad’s still missing To a certain degree of certainty I’m sure He’s sitting A spitting distance Away from me Release Avi’s Dad Release Avi’s Dad Release Avi’s Dad From the prison in which he rots A-Jazz: So there I was just chilling I was puffing out some clouds Pulled the hood up on my hoodie Disappeared into the crowd A river’s flowing underground And I can barely hear the sound But I can sense that something’s changing Beats are bumping all around A beat is Bumping in my breast and I can barely bear it Bringing down the house on my back I can hardly stand it But I stand up, shout Stand down Suckers sit down And they pause as if I planned it In the center of the planet is a prison where they penalize the people Who are putrid and they’re vile and they violate the credo We created as a congress, a society of equals You could say that they are monsters, that they’re freakish, that they’re evil But avi’s dad is not He is not that kind of guy He is not as I described him And so thus my diatribe Is for the trial he’s denied While his tired flesh is fried And his dark tormenting captors Keep him locked up deep inside Deep inside the darkest dungeon Known of yore as Guacamol’ A place so gross and ghastly It’s unholy on the whole And that’s why I stand before you That is why I speak my speech Because Avi’s dad’s my friend And for his freedom, I beseech: Release Avi’s Dad Release Avi’s Dad Release Avi’s Dad From the prison in which he rots
7.
Ghost in the Gorilla Suit 02:43
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There’s a ghost in a gorilla suit And he’s racing all around this room But he knows he should be leaving soon Should be leaving soon Can he leave with you He was sentenced to a thousand years He has cried about a thousand tears But he’s looking for your smiles and cheer For your smiles and cheer Can you leave it here Nobody try to tell me that There’s a ghost in that Gorilla suit I won’t believe such a simple ruse That he would choose Gorilla suit
8.
Joe Son Do 03:23
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In the bathroom standing, put my lipstick on in the mirror You’re so understanding, even when my lipstick is smeared In the bedroom waiting, watching as the light’s getting dimmer As the sun is fading, suddenly everything’s clear Joe Son Do you could’ve been another teenage fantasy Joe Son Do why’d you go and tear it all apart Joe Son Do you could’ve been a real American masterpiece Joe Son Do why’d you have to go and break their hearts We make our way downstairs now, my hand is nestled safely in yours Never mind their stares now, even though it’s all eyes on me Crowds of people watching, hearing as my heels hit the floor I don’t mind their gazes, everything is light and I’m free Joe Son Do you could’ve been another teenage fantasy Joe Son Do why’d you go and tear it all apart Joe Son Do you could’ve been a real American masterpiece Joe Son Do why’d you have to go and break their hearts Joe Son Do what have you done You disappointed everyone You thought you shone just like the sun But now you’ve ruined all the fun I see the big boys holding their badges shining bright in the foyer One of them is reaching, wrenching you to hold you at bay You can hear me screaming, begging them to speak to my lawyer But I know it’s over, I can tell I’m going away
9.
The Warden's Daughter 03:18
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The warden’s daughter is a wonderful daughter And her mind is flowing just like river water She’s wearing the dress that her daddy bought her Waiting for admirers to praise and applaud her The warden’s daughter watches over the yard Yes the warden’s daughter thinks her life is so hard Because the warden’s daughter just wants to get married Wants to be swept away and she wants to be carried Over the shoulder, she wants to be someone’s wife But she knows that her daddy won’t approve of that life So the warden’s daughter watches the criminals play Hoping she’ll marry one of them one of these days But daddy wouldn’t approve But daddy wouldn’t approve But daddy wouldn’t approve But daddy wouldn’t approve But daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy please The warden’s daughter disobeys her father’s orders In the dead of night she sneaks downstairs into the inmate’s quarters She meets one named Ratfinky and it’s what they say, love at first sight She says, “hey, let’s run away, safely in the dark of night” The warden’s daughter waits ‘til her father’s asleep She and her boo Ratfinky surfacebound silently creep But daddy wouldn’t approve But daddy wouldn’t approve But daddy wouldn’t approve But daddy wouldn’t approve The warden’s daughter grabs Ratfinky and starts to go The warden wakes up just in time to say no They run hand in hand, making their getaway They run and they run until they’re both so far away And they settled down And they started laughing And they had fifteen kids And she’s finally happy
10.
A Crime So Heinous 01:01
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11.
Escape! 03:12
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It’s time to break out of our cells Time to get away from living hell I’ve got the perfect plan to take our stand so take my hand and let’s just break away It’s time to make our great escape Escape! Got to break ourselves out of this prison Escape! Got to break the shackles that we’re gripped in Escape! Part of me is damned and part is holy Escape! Got to get us free of Guacamole I’ve been down in the dungeons for a thousand years And I’m desperate just to see the sunlight again I’ve been smashed with the truncheons like my thousand peers And I’m desperate just to be with some rights again All I did was steal a little loaf of bread All things told an exceptionally minor crime But I spend my nights sobbing when I’m in bed Knowing that I’ll be here for all time
12.
The Line to Get Out 01:15
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1: There was another breach at Guacamole Prison today. 2: When are they gonna shut that place down? 1: Yes, Guacamole Prison, the “prison in the center of the earth” was subject to another escape attempt by its prisoners at about 3 o’clock this morning. 2: It feels like this happens every other week. 1: It sure does. It sure does. 2: Why don’t they put a stop to it? 1: Well, when you have so many criminals in one place-- 2: Just the absolute worst of the worst. 1: So many criminals in one place, it’s bound to be bad news. They’re bound to try to escape. 2: And they keep doing it. 1: Well, they haven’t been successful yet. They’ve been brought back every time. 2: How long until they figure it out, though? How long until they escape for good? These are bad guys we’re talking about here. 1: That’s true. That is true. We’re still waiting on a statement from the warden here, people. But as soon as we know what’s going on, you will know what’s going on. So stay tuned and stick with us.

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"GUACAMOLE PRISON was the most prestigious, prodigious, portentous prison ever built by the hands of man. Financed by FutureSnack Industries, it was established to house the worst of the worst: heinous criminals, creeps and crabs, the slime of humanity and the kings of crime. A state of the art facility, it was built deep in the Earth’s core. The governments of the world came together to insure it as the peak in punishment.
For decades, the prison had been filled to the brim with all sorts of egregious offenders. The elite team that made up the guards were trained day and night how to deal with criminals from across the whole spectrum of crime, from warring warlock warlords to petty shoplifters. Their immense task tested them to the very core of their beings—and sometimes they failed."

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released December 17, 2017

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